Thursday, September 13, 2012

Ridiculous Sermon on Hospitals

Setting: 1934, Upstate New York. Big Ears and Apple Head are on a public bus, destination unknown.
Big Ears comes from Begyaz, ancient Persian for "annoyingly powerful," whilst Apple Head is from turn
of the century Boontling, technically a jargon, from the Northern California town of Boonville, and means,
roughly, "girlfriend."

Locked into the witty banter of the period, the two cannot hope to imagine what is to befall them down
the road, near the old Italian steak house at the next semi-rural crossroads, a place where all the waitresses
are girls between the ages of the 19 and 26, and wear various versions of ill-fitting kick dancer tuxedo,
and fedora.

Enter: Gargantuan hornet swarm, a temporally displaced ecological disaster from nearly 300 years in the future,
the electrical energy in the hornet's collective bodies has somehow become an emergent time-machine, and so
the swarm is literally displacing temporal specificity, and inhabiting multiple time frames simultaneously.

Enter: Paddy Chayefsky. The writer is going through a rough patch, and is having a walk and a smoke on a cold
country morning in 1973. He's is coldly and detachedly choreographing sex-scenes inside a futuristic hospital
of his own design in his mind. He also imagines an autopsy going on upon an albino Sasquatch ironically performed by doctors and nurses between the ages of the 19 and 26, who wear various versions of ill-fitting kick dancer tuxedo, and fedora, and face mask.

Suddenly the temporal displacement swarm is upon the old bus, and all one can hear is the pinging soundtrack element from the original Star Trek, the 'nothing happening out here in space theme music'. Big Ear's bellows out: What's the BIG IDEA? Apple Head stirs too: Aww Nuts, not again! The other passengers are making similiar witty 1930's banter: Keep your shirt on! Save the valentines! What in Sam Hill? Heavens to Betsy! etc.. Then
the hornets are in the bus. As each hornet attaches to the forehead of each passenger they temporally phase and poof!

All that is left is Big Ears and Apple Head:

BE:"Well howdya like that?"
AH: Bus Service!

Paddy Chayefsky approaches smoking a brand new dunhill.

PC: It appears the insect kingdom has beaten us to time travel.. (blows smoke ring)
AH: Who's the galoot?
BE: Saaay fella, you gotta ride, we really would appreciate some assistance!

Paddy hands them each a dried peyote button.

AH: What is it do you think, Earrs?
BE: Now see hear, this lady and I are without circumstance!

Paddy looks off into the cold blue plains of 12000 BCE. The air smells crisp, its lilt has thrown Paddy into a supreme revery.

It's just then that something odd happens.

Enter: Two albino Yetis in a dunebuggy wearing flipflops.

BE: Hey Harry, can you give us a ride?
AH: We're saved!

BE and AH jump into the old dunebuggy, and head off to parts unknown.
The last thing Paddy hears is:

"You got Victrola in this heap?"

Paddy listens to the distant birds of the copse of the wood.
Paddy lights another Dunhill.
Paddy Chayefsky strolls through Upstate New York, 12000 BCE...